You will never understand

Intimacy is being seen and known as the person you truly are.

so it's thursday night and i've doing a whole bunch of nothing excting.

we're leaving for a camping trip tommorow after a half day at work. should be a good drunken time, they always are.

i worked all week, and i'm starting to finally get a hang of what im doing and if i may say so, im pretty damn good at it. sometimes i wish my mananger was not my boyfriends mother, that would make work related topics a whole lot easier.

i have (kind of) and opportunity to switch deparments which would be ideal.

or what would be ideal is to get the eff out of there and make some real money, or hey, get a job doing what i went to school for... or a firefighting/ems job, because that would just be fun.

i'm actually drunk right now, which is why i am 1. updating my livejournal and 2. rambling on and on.

so here's the backround:
i went to school for nursing..
i am now working as a customer service representative for a ciircuit board company. my boyfriends mother is my manger.
i fight fires and im an emt on the nights and weekends, hopefully going to fire school in the spring.
but dont get me wrong, i love my job, it's stressful at times, and alot of people piss me off, but its fast, i've never had a job where i could spend the entire day not looking at the clock, and when i do its like holy shit  where did the day go.

so i may not feel like im being a productive member of society, and i may not feel the same good feeling i got from working with kids, or taking care of sick people everyday, but i do enjoy the work, so that counts for something right?

i think it's doing wonders for me not seeing the horribly aspect of human existance for once too. i mean, being an EMT has it's share of aweful things to see, its not the same kind of hurt as taking care of people everyday, that could die the next. granted we could all die the nest day, these people were people that  are completly just on borrowed time.

so, i now spend my day in the corporate office world which is not where i saw myself being at this point. but alas i have no major complaints.

i do feel very alone though. I mean, unless you're in school, or are out in the dating world how do you meet people? i mean really, i feel like going back to school soley for the social aspect because i've never felt so alone in my life. and i thought high school was bad.

i just lack the social connectin that comes with school, and or talking to people in my age group on a daily basis. the fire department helps a little but i am one of the youngest there as well.

i'm not dating, im in a steady relationship and i just want friends and fun people to talk to and hang out with, is that so much to ask?

but then again, everyone i talk to im acused (by jeff) of having sex with. so i suppose its a good thing.

hmmm.

i did amazingly well on this typing thing considering the amount of alcohol in my blood right now.

*pause for applaus at my drunken typing*

well, this has been much to much for anyone to read all of. so thank you if you have mmade it to the end.

more to come.

thanks :)

harry potter, because not only would he be sexually attractive but at will he could most likely free us from the desert island.

work today. came home, cooked dinner.

its absolutely gorgeous outside and for some reason I'm inside. i cant believe the summer is coming to an end. i missed out on my summer this year i think.

I'm watching love and basketball one of my favorite movies ever.

drinking a nice frozen pina colada that i thought I'd enjoy way more than i am.

Jeff's on call tonight, and he's out on a chest pain call right now

i really thought i'd be able to write more than this. i'll try again tomorrow.

:)

i really have no idea where to start. i think i come here to figure things out even when i know this itself doesn't help.

it was unfair of you to bring that up. unfair of you to make me think on it. unfair of you to leave in the first place. unfair of you to question what i have now. unfair of you to think i would be happier for a different outcome.
unfair of you to make me question even for a second the choices i have made.
unfair to wait until now.

when you moved away i spent months and months doing absolutely nothing, i wrote angry things i said angry things. i hated your parents for making you go, i hated mine for not understanding, i resented my friends they had no idea, i hated my life because you were all i had. i gave up on our friendship, my best friend, my brother, i would only see him every couple of years for mere days at a time. i accepted the fact that you were a 21 hour drive and a $5 phone call away. i moved on, i did things you would frown at, i did things you would be proud of. i told you my accomplishments, forgot to mention my failures. and then there was nothing, for an entire year there was nothing, i accepted the fact that 4 years was long enough to hold onto someone, that we both moved on and it was for the best.

and then one day, there you were, back where we we left off but with alot more to say. there was no blame there was no mention of the time passed, it was just us again, best friends, sharing where our lives had taken us over time. we both knew the question would bear it's ugly head eventually but for me i would never bring it up, it was pushed in the back of my mind where i knew it was safe from ruining what i've accomplished. there you were, out of fucking left field you say it and for a split second i wanted to put all those miles between us, and more. i wanted to be that fucking far away from you for making me feel like that. that didn't last however. i let the thoughts fill me up and take me over, i let it consume me and question everything up until this very second, and just like that it was gone, because thats not how things happened that's not how my life plan had unfolded and i am completly fucking happy with it.

so yeah, i haven't updated in.... a year or so? ish.

same crap. i've lost touch with everyone from this stupid site. i dont think they care.. but i do.

so, comment if you miss me i suppose.

someone leave me some good music to download. it's all jaded.

so i'm updating? i guess.

i wasn't planning on it really, i was just going to do some banking and whatnot but im bored.

jeff & I are going to see stone sour and disturbed... cool?

you should see the folliage from my apartment. to-die-for.

i really have absolutly nothing to say.

jeffs comming home on his lunch. i hope i get laid.

so friday night (i was home but very sick) the guy from apartment 16 smashed his girlfriends face into the steering wheel repeatedly, beeping the horn the whole time, my neighbor called the cops. she refused to press charges.

needless to say he needs his face smashed into something.

nothing makes you feel more like a woman than living with a man.

it's odd to comprehend that winter it comming. it's freezing in my apartment but i can bring myself to shut the windows and turn the heat on.

so this is day two of not working in the early afternoon, and the apartment is clean and i'm all packed for tommorow. so alas i've been sucked into the livejournal world once again. Charlie (my kitten) is staring at the computer screen as i type, he attacks the mouse when it moves and he's falling asleep as hes staring. funny Funny.

So tommorow night after i get out of work Jeff and I are on our way to osepee (sp?) to kyak

it's been awhile but i ahve a day off and im bored.

so here's my entry.

daytime tv (even with digital cable) sucks.

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name these movies. : )

Love and Sex With Your Friends by dannygrl0129
Username
Sex	MaleFemaleNot SureHELL, YEAH!
Favorite Color
Love of your life:	expo86_
Best sex of your life:	crazyjustin1685
Will make you come 1000 times:	wormwoodeffect
Will break your heart:	never_met_me
Best Kisser:	valo_somnio
Best cuddler:	spider_and_fly
You secretly dream of:	heavencantwait
But this person dreams of you:	minkinb
Will handcuff you and screw you silly:	ghost1929
Quiz created with MemeGen!

so long

& goodnight.

me and jeff sitting on the rocks on the canal in cape cod.
jeffery saying, he was napoleon and posing on a big rock for me.
ricky and jeff on the jetty, at scusset beach
a tugboat pushing a bardge.
jeff, peeking through the tent window.
me jeff, and rick in the backround.


& jeff and I are going to the white mountains again this weekend until next weekend so expect more pictures.

so i got my tattoo. yay. my mom doesnt know. it didnt really hurt. i'm going back to add more to it. pics later.

 

Friends Only.

 ( pictures! boston! horray! )